New Moon

Let's talk about New Moon! I choose to impart to you, lovely readers, today, my own personal critiques of my favorite scenes from this stellar film experience.

Edward's Entrance: This was by far the best part of the movie. As he glides in vampirically, his shirt flaps about in the wind and his copper-wire hair ripples like waves of grain. While the twelve-year-old girls scream, I realize that nowhere else in the scene is there wind. Edward Cullen, Sex God, creates his own wind. In the words of the friend I dragged along with me, "The wind is produced by a hole in his head, obviously. All the hot air is leaking out".

The Dramatic Scene with Bella and Jacob and Edward Where She May Have to Choose Between Them: This produced many lulz. As Kristen Stewart holds her "I'm so stressed and yet so beautiful" face, looking from the vampire man to the wolf man and back again, she delivers my favorite line of the movie. "Don't make me choose, Jacob. Because it will be him." It seems to me that she has already chosen. Huh. Also, the deadpan way in which she says this is priceless.

I find Bella to be one of the most annoying literary characters I have ever encountered. She's whiney, needy, immature, negative, and above all, selfish. Usually, I like annoying literary characters, as I am always seeking out flawed individuals to whom I can relate. Characters with no issues are boring. No one wants to read a book where the first line is "There once was a girl with no problems". Oh, wait, isn't that a Jane Austen book?

Yes, I remember now..."Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her. " This is why Jane Austen novels do not appeal to me.

Back to Bella. Bella, as a character, is entirely unappealing. I don't find her interesting in the way most flawed people are, as her issues are not at all out of her control. She could choose to see the glass half-full or to be less clingy. She could choose to think about people other than herself, and yet she doesn't. I realize that many, many girls identify with her. And to those girls I say this: you don't have to be like that! Just because one annoying, childish girl got the man of her dreams in one fictional series, does not mean you should see this as a rule. It is not a rule. From my limited experience with men, I can say that high-maintainence is not appealing. Neither is whining. Nor is "I would die without you".

In closing, the movie was amusing. I highly reccommend it, especially if seen with one's most cynical friends in a theatre full of screaming schoolgirls.